Living it up

Two years ago when I started working, I had very big dreams for myself and for my family. We are not rich and somehow that motivated me to strive harder in life. It wasn't easy when I started. Actually, it's really not easy - up to now. But I'm coping. And I'm happy that I have found friends who are willing to help.

My goal was this: at 30, I would have bought my own Honda Civic (I really love this car!), bought either a house and/or condo unit and would have saved up for my early retirement (I really wouldn't like to work until I'm 50.) Seems impossible. But this has been my calling ever since 2004.

At first, you would think that it will take 20 or 30 or more years to be able to accomplish this. You'd be thinking of working abroad because that's the "easiest" way to achieve this. But my mentor offered me a different advice. After listening to him and watching him do it, I realized that there is an alternative solution to this.

I listened to him and as I have said, to other friends who were willing to help me also. Realizing that I can get to my goals gave me the driving force. Everything seems to be a breeze. But it didn't last that long. I've encountered failures. I got rejected many times. It wasn't easy as I have said. I have lost that driving force.

Aside from that, being young and impulsive, I wasn't really focusing on the long term. My goals were short term and middle term. But after two years, and after reaching most of these short and middle term goals, I have no choice but to look for the long term. Say, 10 years from now?

That's what makes me so excited right now. I'm back on track and ready to conquer new heights. I'm more focused and mature than two years ago. I think I am also more equipped mentally and emotionally to accept the challenges that will come my way. That's the spirit. And I believe, after 10 years (or probably even less than that), I would have made it. There's no more turning back.

Dark Blue Sky

It was a cold night. The dry leaves rustled as a gentle breeze passed by. The night was eerily silent except for some occasional howls of distant dogs or cry of a midnight bird.

It was a cold, dark night. There was no moon, only stars. Stars shining like cut diamonds polished a hundred, no a thousand times. Like cut diamonds shining against the dark blue sky. The dark blue sky made them shine brighter.

With both hands in my pocket, I looked at the sky. I tried to count the stars. Stupid, I know, but I couldn't think of anything else to do but to count them. And count them I did. Without success of course. As the wind blew, I shivered. Cold as hell, I muttered to myself. I was just in a cotton shirt and walking shorts.

I was at around 150 or 170 when the clouds blocked my view; I forgot what number I was at. The wind blew harder until there was nothing in the sky but the clouds.

I thought it was gonna rain. I hoped that it would but it didn't. I was ready to leave because there were no more stars to count. But I stayed a little longer.

Then another gust of the wind cleared the sky. There were the stars again. Shining like before. Like cut diamonds shining against the dark blue sky. I tried to count them again. With enthusiasm at first, but the enthusiasm waned. Once more I lost count. This time I turned my back.

I walked home with the stars shining behind me. Under the dark blue sky.

Alay as Sugatang Sundalo

(This is a piece written by one of the engineers from our company, who is also a nationalist and a passionate speaker. He delivered this in an event last July 22 honoring disabled Filipino soldiers and a tribute to Apolinario Mabini. For a change, it is in honor of the pawns in our military defense. They who sacrifice their lives for a thankless job and a thankless people. A look into the day to day reality that these people have to go through to, to protect and to serve. Somehow reminds me of Aquinos honor guards who were rightly commended)

Alay as Sugatang Sundalo

(Ni Engr. Pedro Antonio V. Javier bilang Apolinario Mabini)

Ang nais ng Katipunan nung ito’y buo pa,

ay di lang palayain ang bayan, mula as Kastila

Kundi baguhin din ang moralidad ng bawat Pilipino

Bilang paghanda pag kalaya’ay natamo,

Ang kapangyarihang makukuha ay magamit ng wasto

Subalit di pa man nakakamit ang kalayaay nagwatak na ang Pilipino.

Nung manalo si Aguinaldo laban kay Bonifacio,

Ang mga kurakot, mga kampi ng kastila,

mga matalino‘t subalit masasamang tao, ay naibalik as pwesto!

Kayat natalo man ang kastila, pero ang tunay na kalayaan, ay di parin natatamo

Ngunit, as kabila ng lahat, ang pinagtataka ko

May nakikita parin akong pag-asa as mga Pilipino

Ito’y dahil as mga mabubuting taong tulad nyo.

Ang taong tulad nyo, as kabila ng pagiging salat as yaman,

walang malalaking bahay, o magagarbong sasakyan

Ang iba’y di mapag-aral ang anak as pribadong paaralan

Nanaisin paring maglingkod bilang kawal ng bayan

Habang ang ibang ama’y nasa piling ng kanlang mahal as buhay

Tuwing Father’s day, Valentines o kaya’y Pasko

Kayo naman, ay narito, nasa foxhole o nasa campo

Nagmamasid baka may kalaban,

nagbabantay ng kapayapaan

Di man ito napapansin ng taong bayan.

Pagmay bagyo, lindol o anumang sakuna

Sa rescue operation kayo pangay kasama

Bakit, ang mahal nyo as buhay, di ba nasalanta?

Uunahin pa ang Bayan, kaysa sariling pamilya

Naalala nyo pa ba nung kayo’y tawagin

Report up for duty, dapat ngayon din!

Ika’y padadala as Mindanao at iba pang bulubundukin

Maraming kalaban ay iyong sasagupain

Iyong paalam, “Anak magpakabait ka

Lagi kang mag-aaral at sundin ang iyong ina”

Wika ng anak:Itay wag kanang umalis pawang awa mo na

Manood nalang tayo ng “Zoro” at “Tayong Dalawa”

(from here nag adlib ako: “Nanonood ba kayo ng “Tayong Dalawa”? Si Dave at saka si JR?” The audience smiled, “Buhay pa nga yung kapatid nila eh., sino nga ba yun?” Mayroong sumagot as mga sundalo, at sabi “Si Ramon!” (Uy updated sila ah… nanonood ng tele serye, he-he), the audience began to laugh including the Chief of Staff, but I have to cut & continue my speech….)

Dumating na ang Labanan, nagsimula na ang putukan

Isa, dalawa tatlo, patay ang kalaban

At biglang “BANG!”, ika’y tinamaan

Bumagsak as lupa, duguang katawan

Dyos ko, pamilya ko’y wag nyo sanang pabayaan

Sa labanan taya nyo ang inyong buhay

Paggawa ng tungkulin, isang pa’ay nasa hukay

Ilang beses man kayong masugatan.

Di nyo ito pinagsisisihan.

Babalik parin as labanan,

Manatili lang ang kalayaan.

Ang sundalong sugatan,

Umi-ibayo ang tapang!

Ang tanong ko, bakit nyo ito ginagawa

Wala namang kapalit na salapi?

Pagkat naniniwala ang mga taong tulad nyo

Na ang kabutihan ay di nabibili.

Ang mga nabanggit kanina ni Heneral Albano

na magandang bagay as aking pagkatao

Ay higit parian ang aking nakikita sa inyong mga puso

Kaya’t kinararangal ko….., KAYO!

Mabuhay ang Sugatang Sundalo!

Mabuhay ang Kawal Pilipino!

Chapters

I wrote this piece on my journal less than 2 years after graduation and been meaning to send this to the PDI's Youngblood section and later, the Peyups homepage. I never did for lack of an appropriate title and ending. Classic quarter-life crisis is what this was about - and I'm glad I'm past it. That's not to say that I've now completely come to terms with the way things have turned out - but it's a work in progress. Funnily, I've now managed in some way to define my life in "comprehensible chunks" in the real world.


One thing I noticed about working is that you lose track of what time of the year it is. It seems to make no difference whether it’s February or June or October. I guess the only time frame office workers recognize is December- when there are hefty paychecks and equally long list of expenses.

It’s not like when you were a student when there are lots of signs that says it’s another season, it’s another phase in your life. Something ends, something starts. Like by this time, when the temperature starts to rise, finals are starting to get scheduled. Like if you’re craving for icy Coke, you know you have a 2-hour summer class in a hot afternoon. And when you smell those funny-smelling trees or see higads you know it’s first sem and it’s going to rain soon. And when it’s cold, you know there’ll be the Lantern Parade, the Dakdakan, the Maskipaps and the Running Oblation. You’ll know you’ll be another year older when you don’t see other people you used to see in school anymore. You know it’s a new start when you get a Form 5 and stand in long lines for classes. You know it’s going to be an ending when you pass that paper or get that class card.

There was satisfaction to that kind of life. Like your life is made up of these sub-lives, each with a story of its own, with a start and end of its own, its own memories, its own characters, its own soundtrack. And its own learnings. Somehow it’s easier to look back and see everytime a sub-life ends - what happened to you, what good things, what bad things--- what things you can change to make the next sub-life better.

Well, it’s so different now. Life has just become so... big. You can’t just cut it into chapters as easily as you used to. Like February doesn’t seem to hold any more meaning than May or August does. Being cooped up inside the office also makes you fail to realize, “oh, it’s getting warmer outside” or “look, it’s 6 o’clock and it’s still so bright” or “the first drop of rain this season!”. There is an eerie sameness to each day. Sometimes it even takes me so long to realize that June is when a new schoolyear starts and my brother is going to high school by then.

Somehow, it’s just music now that tells you - music that serves as your time keeper, and puts these light marks which chops your life into more comprehensible chunks. Or perhaps the people who at some point was part of your life but eventually left, they too help put it in chronological order. But apart from that, nothing seems to make one day different from the other anymore. Nothing sets one week apart from the next. Or the months. And knowing my life, probably even the years.

Is it the whole routine of working, this neverending routine, or is it just me?

Reality Bites

Thank you for the speck on the floor
As I float away towards the gathering dust.
The pink dog, the day by day hurdles
Sharp images blunted by surrounding crust.

All of a sudden, the floor started to sprawl
And I panicked losing sight of the beautiful speck.
The pained faces, the silent desperation
Blunted images sharpened by the haunting reality check.

B-side

Update to the Peyups Bloggers!

1. B-side (e=mc^2)
2. jipre (Gelatin Silver World)
3. selenakyle (the cat whisperer)
4. rdangel (trends spotting)
5. leela (Pinay and money)
6. suicidedoll (melovesflying)
7. judz (Anooping and then some)
8. lateralus (Atheista)
9. PogingNilalang (conflict of interest)
10. boomslang (My thoughts exactly)
11. avalanche (Caffeinated Dreams)
12. romina (I-Speak)
13. mars (marsheemarsh)
14. pendong (ekstrangero)
15. tqbfjotld (neloblogs)
16. claudine (of life and an angel)

Welcome to tqbfjotld and claudine, our two new members! New Peyups bloggers can either start contributing to the Peyups Webring in the "theme of the month" after your email address has been included as an author OR have their own blog included in the Peyups Webring. Either way, we're glad to have you in the webring. As an author, you may now start posting your "Meet (name)" or "A day in the life of (name)" as introductions. Post away!

B-side

Meet HardBoiled

My original online moniker is based entirely on my real full name, coined directly out of wordplay. It is a misnomer. My character isn't really as strong as the name suggests, even when I display extremely aggressive behavior on Peyups.com. Nonetheless, I think the name is still appropriate for me, if only because I'm always on hot water.

Someone had said that at one point in a person's lifetime, the person had to make a crucial decision that will either make or break his/her future. For me, it happened when I entered college. It took many years for me to realize I chose the wrong decision.

I received the admission letters, I got my student number (98- followed by 5 of the first six counting numbers), I was admitted to my preferred course (BS Math) and I have an offer for a scholarship. The future looked so bright. Just then, a few weeks later, I received another letter, this time for a study grant for Geodetic Eng'g. I dismissed the offer, but my parents noticed it and took it with great interest. 

In the end, I decided to take the GE course, albeit with a bit of hesitation, out of respect for my parents and my own indecision. It initially appeared to be a harmless decision. After all, Eng'g is still a math and science-oriented course, and I can safely say that those were my fields of expertise. 

The first year passed uneventfully. But just when I thought I'm finally settled, my college life had suddenly shifted by 180^o. The course took its toll on me by preying on my biggest weakness. GE was a group-oriented course, for which my reclusive personality would be having trouble adjusting to.

It had begun. My status got reduced to various acronyms. It's odd, my adviser noticed the 1's I got for my Math's and Physics, followed by a succession of 5's. I had never recovered. Seven years later, I just gave up the fight. I didn't have a choice. 

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Oops! Length.